Mad cow

I think I may have mentioned my bovine obsession before. I've always liked cows, to be honest - they're just reassuringly big and spotty and placid (unless they're trampling you to death, of course). I even rode one once, when I was very little (I was young, we were on a farm... it's a long story). Hell, even my cat is cow-coloured (and also, basically, cow-sized).


But the real obsession didn't start until Lumpy was born and the hormones rotted my brain and I became a total mental.

It started with this, I think:


A newborn cow outfit that Grandma Badger bought, and that I continued to cram poor Lumpy into long after it was straining at the seams and the cow-spots were faded from too much puking and washing.

The outfit was actually part of a set, which included a blanket, booties, and, of course, a hat. We liked the hat. It was stretchy enough to fit over ginormous heads.

So far, so normal(ish). But then it started getting silly. Cow nappy covers, anyone? Oh yes.

A really quite embarrassing collection of cow-related toys and books? Check.


Then it just got cruel. Some months ago, I got re-obsessed with ebay, and spent a fairly stupid amount of money on a very, very stupid cow coat. It was for victims over six months, so when it arrived I hid my shame by putting it away in the 'big boy clothes box' (that's not Mr Badger's wardrobe by another name, surprisingly, but just a box full of clothes I have yet to subject Lumpy to. He's going to have a hell of a time when he's 18, I can tell you).

Lumpy is now, of course, well over six months. But the coat of shame had remained in the box up till last week, when I decided it was time to don the cow. We were off to the cinema, it was a bit chilly, and I wanted to punish the small person for keeping me awake all night.

I have to admit, even I was a bit embarrassed pushing a mass of velvety, red-lined cow print along in the pram. But it got even worse when I put the hood up. Now, as we all know, Lumpy has a record-breakingly gigantic head, but the person who made this coat clearly usually did designs for freak shows, where the main feature was mutant headed bizarro beasts.

Boob lady? Boob ladie? Where is youz?

Seriuz. Am getting bit scaredz now. Iz all dark.

I sleeps really well toe nights. Promiz.

Ah ha! Just kidding. Will be up every half hours to reminds you never to make Lumpies where this coat again. Dont mess with mez, fool.