Friday, 16 July 2010

Lumpy and the Boob - A Tragi-Comic Love Story

Scene 1: The Hospital.
The first meeting is not promising. The Boob repeatedly and inexpertly pokes Lumpy in the face, managing to hit eyeball, nostril, ear: everywhere but the mouth. Lumpy decides to play it cool, and ignores this nipply suitor, preferring to sleep, gurgle, and occasionally smack himself in the face.
Several hours later, the Boob repeats its entreaties, this time calling on the help of a matchmaker (aka the Midwife) to convince Lumpy that this is surely a match made in heaven. Through the help of a strange lying-down position and some strategic head shoving, Lumpy deigns to greet the boob, and union is achieved. The angels rejoice, the Heavens erupt, everyone cheers, etc. etc.

Scene 2: Home, 2nd night. 10pm.
After a remarkably calm and peaceful first night, the Badger Parents are feeling smug. They have a Perfect Baby, who only wakes occasionally to feed briefly and efficiently, before falling back into deep and lengthy sleep. He will clearly be sleeping through the night within a week. This parenting business is easy, they think, heading up to bed on the second night - what is everyone complaining about? They are clearly crap parents, while we are gods of childrearing. A haa haaa ha haaa haaaaaa.
Lumpy wakes and demands to see the boob immediately. They must not be separated for a moment longer. Boobbooobboobbbbooooob....
Lumpy wakes. He must see his one true love this instant. This. Instant. They are betrothed in the eyes of the law and... nom nom nommmm.
Lumpy wakes. His every thought is Boob. Come to me Boob! I must have you now. Suckleslurpgrunteeep...

Scene 3: Day Three. The Milk Comes In.
The Boob has has a makeover, modelling itself on those much admired mammeries of everyone's favourite slapper, Jordan. Boob is now rock hard and torpedo-like, striking fear into the hearts of all who observe her. Boob is also somewhat incontinent. The cup runneth over, so to speak. Lumpy is deeply touched by this image change, and falls deeper in love, declaring he will never more be parted from the Boob.

Scene 4: Day Ten. Hospital. The Weigh In.
Lumpy is plonked on the scales. He was 7lbs 13ozs at birth, 7lbs 10ozs on day five. The Badger Parents hold their breath as the numbers flicker into digital life. Will he have put on weight? Has he been getting any nutrition from the Boob? Are they terrible, neglectful parents who have starved their innocent little baby? The display settles. 8lbs 6ozs. Lumpy has put on 12ozs in five days. The midwife is in awe. Lumpy expresses his feelings about the whole thing by unleashing a mighty piss all over the scales (the midwife kindly does not insist on reweighing him after the removal of this wee - the volume is such, he would probably have dropped back under 8lbs). Lumpy demands the Boob attend him immediately.

Scene 5: Every single day in the Badger household.
A terrible force is coming between Lumpy and his one true love, the Boob. This terrible force is the evil Badger Parents, who cruelly strive to keep the lovers apart for upwards of an hour at a time, using such vicious methods as nappy changes, baths, and some bizarre concept known as sleep. This is wrong and must be stopped. What God has joined together must no man put asunder, etc. etc. Boob! Booooooob! BOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!

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