Thursday, 8 August 2013


[DISCLAIMER: I realize how deeply irritating and unamusing those 'ohmahgawd, my kid said the funniest thing today, let me tell you all about it again and again so you can pretend to laugh while actually wanting to tear your own ears off and eat them' things are. I know, believe me. So all I can say for these is, sorry. I am that parent wanker.]

Lumpy follows me into the loo: "I have to come too," he says, matter of factly. "Because I'm the wee wee supervisor."

During a picnic in the garden, with genuine panic: "Mummy, mummy, the brie might blow away!"

At the play session, in the Wendy house, holding the door shut against a determined crawler who wants to come in. I intervene, giving the standard bollocks about sharing, blah blah blah. Lumpy looks at me with great sincerity and says "But I can't let her in, because of the sign. The sign on the door says 'no babies allowed.'"

At the pub, pretty much out of nowhere: "Instead of calling you mummy, we could call you Jim."

Okay. I'll shut up and go away now.