I think I may have mentioned my bovine obsession before. I've always liked cows, to be honest - they're just reassuringly big and spotty and placid (unless they're trampling you to death, of course). I even rode one once, when I was very little (I was young, we were on a farm... it's a long story). Hell, even my cat is cow-coloured (and also, basically, cow-sized).
But the real obsession didn't start until Lumpy was born and the hormones rotted my brain and I became a total mental.
It started with this, I think:
A newborn cow outfit that Grandma Badger bought, and that I continued to cram poor Lumpy into long after it was straining at the seams and the cow-spots were faded from too much puking and washing.
The outfit was actually part of a set, which included a blanket, booties, and, of course, a hat. We liked the hat. It was stretchy enough to fit over ginormous heads.
So far, so normal(ish). But then it started getting silly. Cow nappy covers, anyone? Oh yes.
A really quite embarrassing collection of cow-related toys and books? Check.
Then it just got cruel. Some months ago, I got re-obsessed with ebay, and spent a fairly stupid amount of money on a very, very stupid cow coat. It was for victims over six months, so when it arrived I hid my shame by putting it away in the 'big boy clothes box' (that's not Mr Badger's wardrobe by another name, surprisingly, but just a box full of clothes I have yet to subject Lumpy to. He's going to have a hell of a time when he's 18, I can tell you).
Lumpy is now, of course, well over six months. But the coat of shame had remained in the box up till last week, when I decided it was time to don the cow. We were off to the cinema, it was a bit chilly, and I wanted to punish the small person for keeping me awake all night.
I have to admit, even I was a bit embarrassed pushing a mass of velvety, red-lined cow print along in the pram. But it got even worse when I put the hood up. Now, as we all know, Lumpy has a record-breakingly gigantic head, but the person who made this coat clearly usually did designs for freak shows, where the main feature was mutant headed bizarro beasts.