Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Mummy stalking

I need your help, dear readers. On a question of etiquette, no less.

Me and the Lumpy went to the supermarket today. I've always enjoyed supermarket shopping, because I like spending money and I like food, so it's a win win in my eyes. Adding a Lumpy into the mix just adds to the fun, particularly now he's sitting up in the proper big boy seat in the trolley, as it allows him to pull stuff off the shelves while simultaneously reaching back into the trolley to mangle what's already in there. I tend to get a bit distracted by this and end up reeling around the store and crashing into innocent bystanders. At one point we almost overturned another mum and her baby - a smiley little girl who looked a couple of months younger than Lumpy. I yelped an apology before the kamikaze trolley dragged me towards the chocolate section (I had no control of it, honest).

When we got to the checkout, the same mum and baby were in at the till beside us. The babies clocked one another immediately and started flirting, big styleee. They were sqeeeeeeeeeing, and bouncing, and flapping, and virtually proposing marriage on the spot. So extreme was their reaction that the checkout ladies and other customers even started commenting. Sadly, this blossoming relationship had to end before Lumpy had a chance to ask his new girlfriend out to dinner, as the other mum finished paying, told her baby to say goodbye (Lumpy waved on the command of 'wave': she was suitably awed and amazed at his amazingness), and headed off. We followed shortly after, once I had finished crushing my eggs and avocados at the bottom of the bags under my potatoes and cans, packing genius that I am. As we walked out, Lumpy kept looking over his shoulder, wondering where his new girlfriend had gone.

And this is where it all gets a bit stalky.

As I finished loading up and wrangling Lumpy into his carseat, I noticed that the other mum was getting into her car just a few down the row from us. We pulled out just after her, and ended up following her out. Slightly bizarrely, we kept taking the same turns, until she eventually went through some traffic lights that were changing and escaped me (I considered just jumping the red in a squeal of tyres, but thought that might frighten the poor woman. If she wasn't already terrified enough by the deranged loon in the beaten up Ford Escort who'd been tailing her since she left Tescos).

And then, about 100 metres from out house, I saw her. She was parked on a narrow bit of road right outside a house, unloading her car in a slightly frenzied fashion. I considered stopping and yelling inanely at her through the car window, but managed to restrain myself, and continued on round the corner to our house.

But then I thought... Now I know where her house is. We're virtually neighbours (sort of. ish. Run with me here). Our babies seemed to really, really like each other.

So what I'm wondering is, would it be unspeakably weird and stalkerish to put a note through her door, explaining how I followed her home (ok, maybe not presenting it in that light...), and asking if she'd like to get the babies together at some point to continue their gurgling romance?

That would be odd and disturbing, and I really shouldn't do it, right?

Or would it be a friendly and socially acceptable thing to do? After all, those babies really hit it off. This may be Lumpy's future wife we're talking about? Who am I to deny my son his only chance of happiness?

I honestly have no idea on this one. Lumpy has not only sucked out my brain, he's taken my sense of the appropriate as well. Naked cartwheeling in the restaurant at work, anyone? Yes?

So what, dear, helpful, wise readers, should I do? Do tell, please.


  1. You're not going to go through her bins and write this note on one of her discarded babywipes, are you? Maybe take some pictures through the window first and create some spooky merged images of what Lumpy and girl baby's children will look like. That might impress her enough to break the ice.

  2. Do it. Same thing happened to me donkey's years ago when I kept meeting the same girl at the local shops and our babies clicked. After about a week she plucked up courage to say:Would you like to come round for a coffee?
    I nearly bit her hand off in the rush to say yes, and we were friends for years till we moved away.
    You could be subtle and push Lumpy up and down her road in the buggy, showing him the pretty flowers and birdies and such, and then have to get a stone out of your shoe just outside her house?

    She can only say No, and that's her loss!

  3. Do it Mrs Badger - if she says no then she's a silly and not worth knowing anyway.

  4. Do it! I think it is a lovely idea, Like Nicola has said she can only say no! If she does, its her loss and the less of Mrs Badger we have to share ;-) xxxxxx

  5. Hmm, well have to admit it might freak me out a bit if someone just pushed a note through my door - of course if she goes for it, you can explain the whole story and have a laugh about it, but if she doesn't she might spend the next few weeks hiding behind the curtains wondering who's watching her...
    Of course she's just had a baby too so her sense of normal is probably as far out of whack as yours ;-)
    The going for walks past her house with the lumpy sounds like a good idea - give fate a little helping hand before resorting to full on stalker tactics (or come to think of it, is deliberately going past her house more stalkerish than just popping a simple note to her??? Now where can you go to get good stalking etiquette when you need it? The internet clearly hasn't thought of everything yet)
    Oooh, just thought of something else - what if she turns out to be a total nightmare and then you can't get rid of her? Maybe a little bit more covert stalking is required..? Maybe you need something like this:

  6. How about hosting a mum and baby coffee morning and putting flyers through doors, that conveniently includes hers....! Bit of an effort if she doesn't come but presumably a fun one!