Horseflesh

Some time ago, I told you about the extreme jealousy between our furry, cat-shaped babies, and Lumpy, the - erm - bald and baby-shaped baby. So extreme was this jealousy, that it led to an outbreak of violence and terror previously undreamed of in the Badger household. We are all still quaking from the results, and cannot bear to discuss them, with Mr Badger developing a violent twitch if he even hears the word 'Mog'.

But little did Lumpy suspect that he had another rival for the status of beloved baby of the Badger dynasty. This one was also quite furry, in a hairy sort of way, and, rather disturbingly, weighed as much as 500 cats (or around 4 Mogs).

What sort of freakish beast is this? Thought Lumpy, scratching his chin quizzically. I must find more out about this creature that considers itself the rightful baby of the family. And possibly eat it (we fear he may have been plotting with Mog on this front. The consequences of such an alliance are so horrifying as to be unthinkable, so we won't think about them).

Lumpy began to research the hairy giant baby beast. He discovered that its name was 'Maddie', presumably in reference to its psychotic tendencies. It had, apparently, made repeated attempts on Mrs Badger's sister's life (and yet it was she who loved it best, and spent hours tending to it). This was all very mysterious. Lumpy decided that the time had come to meet this strange rival.

So one day Lumpy went down to the place they called 'The Yard'. And there, he caught his first glance of Maddie.


It was a bit of a shock, to say the least.


Seriously, what the hell is that?

Summoning all of his courage, Lumpy turned to face his adversary, reached out a hand, and poked it up the nose.


Surprisingly, Maddie did not attempt to kill him, or even munch his arm off. Instead, she leaned in close and huffed gently in his ear.


"We should work together, small baldy person," breathed Maddie, too quiet for Mrs Badger to hear (mind you, she is slightly deaf in one ear, after that nasty incident with the snail and the cricket stumps). "Stick with me, and we could rule this family. And..." Lumpy leaned closer, straining to hear. "I can show you how to poo all over the floor."


Lumpy liked the sound of that.


But he decided to have a taste, anyway. Just in case.

Mmmm, delicious. I'll have mine fried.