Saturday, 18 September 2010

Feline Terrorism Update

Due to the continued presence of the evil invader they call Lumpy, the grand commander Mog has ordered an increase in terrorist activities. The focus is now on night attacks -- the time when our targets are at their most vulnerable. We will strike between the hours of midnight and 6am, and we will strike hard. There must be no mercy. Sharpen your claws, hone your howls. Lie in wait until they have just settled to sleep (preferably after they have spent an hour tending to the archenemy Lumpy) and then wait a little longer. This is the secret to the effectiveness of the attack -- you must lull them into a false sense of relaxation, allowing them to drift into sweet, delicious, much-needed sleep for just long enough. Only then will you pounce upon them (the shoulders and the heads are the most effective spot to aim for greatest surprise and distress). Trample and claw, meowing loudly. Cling on, even when they groan and thrash, ensuring they are entirely awake. If they push you off, clamber back on. If they pick you up and take you out of the room, run back in. Your will is stronger than theirs. When they finally give up, climb under the duvet and stretch out. Take up as much space as possible. They will be too weak and exhausted to resist. When they finally drop to sleep again, begin clawing. Do it gently, and innocently, as if you are just dreaming of running after a mouse, perhaps. Don't worry, it will be enough. Before long, they will be weeping and begging for mercy. It is true that this campaign may lead some of our brave army being thrown out of windows, but it will all be worth it when we reclaim our rightful place, at the centre of the universe. And the duvet.


  1. The evil commander Mog shows no respect for the rules of the bed and laughs in the face of your dictat that cats should only lie on the blanket, not the duvet.

  2. I've heard the kitty assault team now have a helicopter on standby.