Sunday, 8 August 2010

Month One Report


JWP 'Lumpy' Badger

Form: Lower first

Boob studies (higher diploma)

Lumpy's dedication to the Boob is renowned throughout the Institute, and this enthusiasm, combined with his natural flair, has resulted in a truly exceptional weight gain. In fact, should he continue as he has started, it is estimated that he will be 18 stone by Christmas. Grade: A ++.

Nappy skills and digestive management

As is to be expected from such dedicated hours of Boob Study, Lumpy's nappy productions are a sight to behold, widely admired for their creativity, use of colour, and sheer scope and volume. However, his parping - though undeniably spectacular - is somewhat inconsistent, and often preceded by hours of loud yet ineffective grunting (generally at 5 in the morning). Delightful though these dawn choruses are, it would be more satisfactory for all concerned if he could simply learn to fart on demand. Grade: B -.

During the course of this month, Lumpy has progressed from being largely nocturnal to a recognition of night time, and sleeping for a record four hours at a stretch (for which we are truly thankful). Though occasionally unpredictable, he is generally excellent at night (the 5am gruntings excepted), settling quickly after each period of nocturnal boob study. We have great hopes that he will, one day, sleep through the night (God willing, please please please). However, he seems less skilled at daytime naps, actively resisting sleep during daylight hours, and having to be tricked into closing his eyes for more than 20 seconds. He claims this is because there is so much cool stuff to look at, such as ceilings, light bulbs, crazy psychedelic bees, and, and, and...[rock, rock, rock, strategic dummy, rock]... snorkle, grunt, Zzzzzzzzzz. grade: B +.

Social skills
Lumpy is exceptionally well behaved in company, immediately sleeping when he hears the voices of strangers. It is only the privileged few who are allowed to witness him in a state of heightened emotion, and thus the power of his lungs is not widely acknowledged. He has also excelled in the area of inducing love, reducing all who meet him to cooing fools who feel strangely compelled to shower him with both kisses and extravagant presents - a skill he must take care not to abuse in the future. Though he has not quite mastered the full use of the smile, there have been tantalizing hints of future brilliance, and he has already developed an armory of other endearing expressions and noises that make him an impressive parental manipulator, even at such an early age. Grade: A.

Headbadger's comments
Young Lumpy has been with us for over a month now, and has made excellent progress. In fact, we have come to find him rather indispensable, and simply cannot imagine life without him, or, indeed, remember a time when he was not here. Certainly, there are still areas that still need some work, but we are confident that, given time, these too will improve (and we will one day all enjoy a full night's sleep with minimal grunting). Well done, young Lumpy! We are very, very proud of you. Keep up the good work.

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