Horseflesh

Some time ago, I told you about the extreme jealousy between our furry, cat-shaped babies, and Lumpy, the - erm - bald and baby-shaped baby. So extreme was this jealousy, that it led to an outbreak of violence and terror previously undreamed of in the Badger household. We are all still quaking from the results, and cannot bear to discuss them, with Mr Badger developing a violent twitch if he even hears the word 'Mog'.

But little did Lumpy suspect that he had another rival for the status of beloved baby of the Badger dynasty. This one was also quite furry, in a hairy sort of way, and, rather disturbingly, weighed as much as 500 cats (or around 4 Mogs).

What sort of freakish beast is this? Thought Lumpy, scratching his chin quizzically. I must find more out about this creature that considers itself the rightful baby of the family. And possibly eat it (we fear he may have been plotting with Mog on this front. The consequences of such an alliance are so horrifying as to be unthinkable, so we won't think about them).

Lumpy began to research the hairy giant baby beast. He discovered that its name was 'Maddie', presumably in reference to its psychotic tendencies. It had, apparently, made repeated attempts on Mrs Badger's sister's life (and yet it was she who loved it best, and spent hours tending to it). This was all very mysterious. Lumpy decided that the time had come to meet this strange rival.

So one day Lumpy went down to the place they called 'The Yard'. And there, he caught his first glance of Maddie.


It was a bit of a shock, to say the least.


Seriously, what the hell is that?

Summoning all of his courage, Lumpy turned to face his adversary, reached out a hand, and poked it up the nose.


Surprisingly, Maddie did not attempt to kill him, or even munch his arm off. Instead, she leaned in close and huffed gently in his ear.


"We should work together, small baldy person," breathed Maddie, too quiet for Mrs Badger to hear (mind you, she is slightly deaf in one ear, after that nasty incident with the snail and the cricket stumps). "Stick with me, and we could rule this family. And..." Lumpy leaned closer, straining to hear. "I can show you how to poo all over the floor."


Lumpy liked the sound of that.


But he decided to have a taste, anyway. Just in case.

Mmmm, delicious. I'll have mine fried.

The Resurrection of Terrence

Terrence lives!

After his deeply traumatic deflating incident, Terrence had taken to huddling behind a chair, so floppy with shame that he could barely stand to be seen. He was floating barely an inch above the ground and was often mistaken for a crisp packet (albeit a rather large and vicious one). The Badger family started to fear that the end was near, and soon all they'd be able to do for Terrence was fold him up and give him a dignified burial in the bin.

But then, as Terrence was fading fast, and all hope seemed to be lost, a donor was found. The emergency tank of donated helium was rushed to the Badger Sett, and Terrence's weak and emaciated form was tugged from his hiding place and laid upon the operating table (aka the floor). So feeble was he, that it only took two nurses to hold him down while the operation was performed.

In the absence of any skilled Tyrannosaurus balloon surgeons, Mr Badger was forced to perform the complicated and dangerous operation himself. With a shaking hand, he picked apart Terrence's inflation pipe (which looks a bit like a willy, now I come to think of it. But let's not add dinosaur porn to our long and shameful list of places this blog has gone that it really, really shouldn't have), and inserted the inflation nozzle. Soon, the life-giving helium was rushing in, and Terrence's eyes flickered open as he began to swell (stop sniggering at the back, there's a life-threatening operation going on here). Before long, he was starting to rise from the operating table, wrestling against his restraining nurses.

Mr Badger struggled to reseal Terrence's inflation pipe, to keep the essential helium inside, and to avoid a terrible squeaky-voice inducing leakage. In the panic that followed, Terrence broke free, and bit the head clean off one of the nurses.

Almost immediately the cheering erupted. Terrence was back!

Mrs Badger went and put her best hat on in celebration. Yes, the first best hat. That's how excited she was.


And no, that's not Mrs Badger. Don't be insolent. It's Terrence, shortly after decapitating a nurse with his bare teeth. RWWWAAAAARRRR.


Lumpy examining Terrence's inflation pipe. Rude!


And, lo, the Tyrannosaurus Rex shall bob above the baby. And there will be feasting and much celebration. (Dinosaurs, XI, 534)