Friday, 14 January 2011

Eviction Notice


Hereby notice is served of your upcoming eviction from the residence known as 'Nature's Nest', in the district of 'The Bedroom'.

The Landlords of The Bedroom (also known as Evil Mother, aka Boob Lady, and Evil Father, aka Mr Badger) have informed us that you have clearly outgrown your present dwelling, and have offered as evidence the following photographs.

These can be compared with a photograph taken some 6 months previously, when you signed your current contract, and were clearly more suited to the dimensions of the residence.

Since then you have more than doubled (possibly even trebled, the Landlords allege) your bulk, and are clearly placing a strain on the available resources.

In addition, the Landlords assert that you cause repeated disturbances throughout the night, grunting, snoring, and sqeeeeing like: "an obese adenoidal hamster. On crack." You also appear not to have paid rent for the last 199 days; a clear breach of contract.

As recompense for the loss of your current dwelling, the Landlords have offered you alternative premises immediately next door to The Bedroom, in the highly desirable area of The Nursery. This alternative accommodation is extremely desirable, complete with all modern conveniences, including extensive in-cot entertainment, luxury bedding (with top-of-the-range bank-breaking mattress, and 100% lamb fleece topper), and ample space to allow for your ever-increasing girth and extensive retinue of friends, assistants, adoring fans, and hangers-on.

The Landlords trust that you will find this alternative accommodation acceptable and will sleep deeply and without disturbance for at least 12 hours a night as a result. If not, you will once again be considered in breach of contract and they will be forced into taking further action. You are warned that there are other candidates very keen on the residence, and also on the role of 'house baby', should you be forced to resign.

PS: Don't worry, Mr Nelifant can come too. And The Landlords promise they'll always leave the door open. And you can come and join them in the big bed whenever you like.

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