Lumpy reporting. Have been abducted and taken to place they calls 'Devon'. Interwebs unheard of here. Hijacked passing seagull and tied this message to it in hope it get to yous. Lumpy need rescuings. Think they plans to throw me in sea. Also, iz cold. V v v cold. Brrrrr.
But they do has pasties. So maybes ok. Don't send helps immediately. Will assess imminence of dangers, and sends more seagullz if possible. Over.