Sunday, 19 September 2010

Grossness quotient restored

It has been brought to my attention that this blog has been falling behind on its grossness quotient lately. In fact, there have been whole posts which have failed to include any reference to snot, poo, vaginas, vomit, or necrophilia. We apologize wholeheartedly for this omission. Please be assured that the blogger responsible has been taken out and shot.

And now, to restore order, balance, and general queasiness:

It's the POO UPDATE! YAY!!!

Lumpy went a whole day without pooing yesterday. Now I know that other babies regularly go for days, weeks, and even whole years without pooing. But not our Lumpy. Ohhhhh no. Our Lumpy is a three poo a day boy. At least. Until yesterday, that is.

Yesterday there was no poo in the morning nappy, not even hiding amongst the spots of the doctor-scaring jazzy nappy liners. This was strange, but not unheard of. We just assumed that he was storing it up to do in the swimming pool at baby dunking, to bring shame upon our family name and a lifetime ban from waterbabies. But no. There was no brown slick surrounding him during the Splish Splash dance, and nothing in evidence for the rest of the day. Now, this was strange, eerie, and unheard of. We considered making a sacrifice to the great poo gods, though the thought of what this would involve was too disgusting to even post here (no? really? wonders never cease, indeed).

Rather than being concerned about constipation, we were actually more afraid of what was to come. You see, Lumpy's three-a-day poos are fairly epic affairs. We shuddered to imagine what a built-up-over-two-days poo would be like. I put him to bed after his final feed with quaking hands, convinced that at some point during the night he would blow himself to the ceiling with the geyser-like force of what was brewing inside. Either that, or we would all wake just as we were swept away on a tide of mustard-yellow baby excretion, clinging to the bed for dear life.

Surprisingly, this didn't happen. But what I did discover in his nappy in the morning was indeed astonishing: a veritable sea of poo, seedy and dribbly and steaming. I almost reached for the camera, to share the wonder with you, my loyal followers. But I didn't.

Go on. Admit you're disappointed.


  1. Anybody want a chocolate trifle? I've gone off mine.

  2. Ooooooh trifle! Is there any mustard? We could recreate the missing photo!

  3. We'll need seeds as well, apparently.

    (Is Lumpy half budgie?)